Ep. 137: STOP SEEKING EXTERNAL VALIDATION START FILLING YOUR OWN CUP, A LESSON ON SELF WORTH BY PMU PROFESSIONAL & BEAUTY BUSINESS SUCCESS SPEAKER SHEILA BELLA
The power has been inside you all along.
I was having a conversation with a friend earlier today and I realized that something we all struggle with is seeking external validation. I think especially as women we learn to seek approval from others and we always think that the "right" thing to do is to put everyone else before ourselves. It can be really hard to realize that you're putting all of your worth into other people. That you're measuring your own self-worth by how others see you.
It's a hard thing to beat but I think it's really important to talk about. I see a lot of girls who will start getting really down on themselves because they haven't been getting as many likes lately. Or their views seem to have gone down. And suddenly they start to feel worthless. But those are all external factors. And they're temporary. Which means that this feeling is also temporary.
So today I want to give you a good dose of positivity. If you've been going through it, if you're looking for validation in all the wrong places, I've gotcha sister. Let's get through this together, okay?
Here are the episode highlights:
‣‣ [01:31] First, a reminder of how temporary things are.
‣‣ [06:57] Let's talk external validation. How do you recognize it? When do you know that it's unhealthy?
‣‣ [13:10] How do you go from someone who needs external validation to somebody who can validate themselves?
‣‣ [15:07] I think a really good example of that shift from external to self-validation is when you reach a point in your adult life where your relationship with your parents changes.
‣‣ [18:23] What do you do if you notice yourself starting to rely too heavily on those external validations?
‣‣ [19:40] Let's analyze what you're hiding behind.
‣‣ [21:20] Here I leave you with some journal prompts: what does your soul really want? If you were to begin filling your own needs and validating yourself, what would that look like? What are you protecting yourself from? What are you hiding?
I'M READY TO START VALIDATING MYSELF!! (Listen Here)
You can follow me, Sheila Bella, on Instagram @realsheilabella!
Here are the links that were mentioned in the podcast!
Pretty Rich Bosses
New Clients Consistently
Text me! (310) 388-4588
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You can enjoy a transcript of the podcast here.
Sheila Bella:
Welcome to Pretty Rich Podcast, where you're totally the heroine of your own story. I'm your host, Sheila Bella. And I've built a seven-figure PMU beauty biz, and a seven-figure online biz, without a degree, without a fancy website, or a sugar daddy. And if you and I hang out on here long enough, you're going to start to believe that you can do it too. How about that for a side effect of listening to this podcast? Because you really can. I know you think, "I don't know you. I've no idea who you are," but I do. I really, really do because I am you, I was you, and I believe we are all on the same journey together. My perfect job didn't exist, so I created it. The job I wanted wasn't hurting me, wanted nothing to do with me so I skipped the line and hired myself as CEO, just like you can. Consider me your secret, beauty biz, BFF. In case you need to be reminded on a weekly basis, that power is never just handed to you. You have to take it. Are you ready, beauty boss? Let's jump in.
Hey, you need a little dose of inspiration today? Of course you do. Guys, if you are going through it, going through it, realize that it's going through it. Meaning things are going to pass, that's why they call it going through it. Okay, so just literally 15 minutes ago, I got a text message from a dear friend. I've known her since she was 11 years old, and I am 10 years older than her. And she was like, "Sheila, what the heck? Oh my gosh. Why is being 27 so hard? She's like, "I am seeking external validation from relationships and it's just so messed up. I'm so messed up." And I was like, "Oh my gosh. Awh, baby sister." I was there, we were all there. And so I think today I wanted to chat with you guys. I was like, "Oh, I'm about to record a podcast on this." I wanted to chat with you guys about how to not have to seek external validation from others.
And guys, if you're in this situation, let's say you're dating right now. And dating is really hard. It's really hard to not take personally, dating is, it is a brave undertaking. You're putting yourself out there, over and over again. And you're not going to leave the dating world unscathed if you do it right, because it requires you to actually open the F up, right? And be vulnerable, or else you're not going to be doing it right. Of course, it's going to hurt. That is the game. That's why everybody wants that one love, the love that's going to make them feel safe, and fulfilled, and for the rest of their lives, et cetera, et cetera. And so I was talking to my friend and yeah, she had all of these feelings that I can clearly recall having as if it were yesterday.
And I look back at my old photos, I look at old photos of myself and I know exactly that girl. I know exactly what she would do. I was the type of girl that would betray all of my core needs in order to receive love. I thought I needed external validation so badly from others, so I would exhaust my own spirit until nothing of myself was left. And this not only happened in relationships, but in so many other areas of my life. I let people tell me who I was. I gave them the pen and I let them grade me, rate me. Rate, okay? And tell me what I was worth. I let them put a price tag on me. I think the biggest difference now is, wow, first of all, I can't believe I even gave people the power to do that. And I did.
No one can do that to you without your permission. You must have allowed them to do it. And that's why I think dating is so difficult because it requires you to be vulnerable, but not too vulnerable. Not too vulnerable, because if you're too vulnerable, oh, you run the risk of giving somebody the pen who doesn't deserve it. So on today's quickie episode, I thought I wanted to address everyone who is a recovering people pleaser, who still is craving that acceptance, that belonging, that validation. But maybe that you're getting it from all the wrong places. Maybe you need to get it from healthier places. I want to speak to those, where that still might come up for you once in a while, or a lot.
But before we get that, I just wanted to remind you that, hey, if you leave a five-star review on iTunes, I will choose a winner at the end of this month to win a free online course. All you need to do is go to iTunes, leave a five-star review. And in your five-star review, leave your Instagram username, and I'll give you a shout out. I'll read your review on this podcast, and I'll also repost your review on Instagram, and we can chat. You can choose any of the courses on sheilabella.com/programs, which are all courses that are focused on how to make more money in the beauty industry. Facebook ads, email marketing, Instagram, how to get new clients, how to create a million dollar beauty business. You name it, it's on there, sheilabella.com/programs, if you don't want to wait to see if you win. But if you want to win, go ahead and leave us a five-star review on iTunes. I work so hard on this podcast and it means so much to me when you do it.
Okay, first of all, let's talk about external validation. And let's chat about, first of all, how to recognize it. What does unhealthy reliance on external validation look like? If you find that you're not able to have difficult conversations with people, maybe somebody is really hurting your feelings, but you find that you can't have a conversation with them about it. You're too scared to do it, or you just don't want to bother because you don't want to rock the boat, or you don't want to disagree with people. And this is something that I admit I used to do. I used to change my own thoughts, or just say that I change my own thoughts and beliefs, because I was seeking approval more than anything. Yeah, I would betray myself. And I think a lot of it may be rooted in my childhood.
So you guys, one of the very first episodes of this podcast, I think it was podcast number three, and we talked about growth mindset versus a fixed mindset. And it's based on the book by Carol Dweck, and it absolutely changed my life. It's called Mindset. And she talked about how we have to be very careful to not label our children because I feel like our parents unknowingly do damage, by labeling our kids. I'm guilty of this, and so I really watch myself when I do this. We say things like, "Oh my daughter, she's the academic one. My son, he's the athletic one. He's the one that excels in math, and she's the one that excels in art." And when you're young, when you're a child, you're very impressionable.
And I can clearly remember fearing losing my titles because I felt like if I failed at something, if I failed at the thing that my parents and everybody knew that I was good at, the thing I was known for, then I might not be that thing anymore. I might not be the artistic one. What ended up happening was that I avoided challenges. I avoided hard things. I was addicted to validation, to words, and labels, and being known as the best at something. This programming starts frigging early, it starts so early. And I don't want my kids to have to question their self worth, or have to question their identity.
Let me give you an example. Let's say you tell your kid, "Oh my gosh, you're really good at puzzles. You're really good at puzzles." And then every time their friends come over, they say, "Oh my kid, this kid, kid number one, he is the best at puzzles." And then, your parents' friends are like, "Great. So next time we come over, we're going to bring over a really hard puzzle." So that kid, now the pressure's on, right? "Oh crap, oh my gosh, I don't want to lose that title." So are you going to choose the easy puzzle or the hard puzzle, if you're trying to maintain that label? You going to frigging choose the easy puzzle and be like, "See, I got it. I'm the puzzle master." You don't want to lose that title. So what ends up happening is, you keep your skills down. You don't sharpen your skills with harder things. You don't try next level-ish, right? You don't because you're so afraid to lose your title.
And that's why Carol Dweck, in this book, suggests that instead of praising our children for their accomplishments, we praise them on how hard they work, how hard they try. Like, "Oh wow, you took on that really difficult puzzle. Wow, that was a feat. That was scary. And you're the hardworking one. You are. You're the hard working one." "Beau you work so hard. You work so hard." Praise them on how hard they work and not necessarily on accomplishments, which is really hard to do, now that I'm a parent. I understand, wow, this is really hard to not say, "Good job on that." It's not like we never say that but we definitely want to highlight that what was special about that is that the fact that he worked really hard on it.
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Okay. How did I go from somebody who betrayed my own core needs to please others, for external validation, for [inaudible 00:13:24] of validation, to somebody who takes responsibility for meeting my own needs. How did I learn to self validate? I've learned to do the work and fill my own cup. And this took several years. I've realized that my relationships enhance who I am rather than complete who I am. I now find myself taking ownership for everything I'm going through, even when people on my team, in my company, mess up, that's my fault. That's my fault. And I understand that no one else can make me feel less than unless I allow them to. And these lessons were hard to learn. This life, this transformation that I've underwent, was earned.
I want you to look hard at yourself in the mirror today and ask, "What armor am I putting on? What armor am I putting on? And what story do I tell myself about myself?" And I was telling my friend, I said, "Listen, the story that you hold about yourself needs to be so strong, and so rooted in your reality, and in your truth, that it is unshakeable. You can't let other people tell you who you are." And I might say something that might trigger some people. Okay, when I was younger, I found myself really taking to heart, a lot of the criticisms that my parents gave me. And listen, I think it's important to listen to your parents. But there comes a time, I think, when you just are more mature, and you're just more secure in who you are, that I don't know, when your parents say something about you, you're less affected.
And I think that's a good thing. You're not less kind to them, it's just that you know who you are. That you're not as bothered because your story about who you are is stronger than theirs. And that, I think, is the mark of an adult. And that took a long time for me, and I'm not saying that I'm not affected by anything my mom says. Sometimes I am and she's very complimentary of me, she is, but sometimes she's really freaking critical. And sometimes I need to laugh, I need to, I need to, because I know this is her having a bad day. And I'm not going to let her bad day affect my story, that I know to be true about myself. And I think if you can achieve that, with the inner voice that you have with your parents, then I think you'll be more ready to face the criticism of a possible life partner.
That's something that doesn't happen overnight, essentially. This is why I think it's really important to pay close attention to the thoughts that you are entertaining, and the conversations that you are having with those around you, because your thoughts enter your mind, and your mind is you. It becomes you, whatever thoughts you're entertaining becomes you. You are your thoughts, your thoughts are you, and vice versa. It's important for you to put on the armor of positivity and confidence. If you are going to take on the scary world of online dating or building a business, you need to be so intentional with the thoughts that you are downloading. That's the first step in self validation. That's the first step in self validation, getting to know yourself and assessing what thoughts you're entertaining. The next step is to be kind to yourself.
The next time you find yourself stressing about the amount of likes that you got on a post, or the amount of engagement you got on something, or what somebody thinks about your work, or whether or not that guy called you back, you need to learn how to detach, and take the emotion out of that expected reaction. This is something that I know Christine Hassler calls 'expectation hangover', where you're expecting a wow from somebody. You're expecting it, so you got to remove expectations and emotions from things. You have to ask yourself, "Why does this person's opinion matter?" And if you have very little self-compassion, then of course, other people's opinions are going to matter a great deal. You have to learn how to compliment yourself and be kind to yourself. And if you mess up, have grace with yourself and say it out loud, "I'm human. I'm human, I make mistakes."
And let's examine where you place your worth. Is it I'm smart? Is it in your smarts, being smart and going to school? Is it in being rich and killing it in your career? Is it being beautiful and slaving away at the gym, or caking on makeup? Where do you put yourself worth? Not that it's bad, those things are good. But I mean, you have to be self-aware enough to realize that we all have some type of wall up that's quote-unquote, protecting us, from our vulnerability. And that's huge. Are you hiding behind being smart? Are you hiding behind being rich? Are you hiding behind that amazing body you have? Darn you. Where do you place your self-worth, your validation? Is on being kind? And for me, what really helped me was placing my faith on God, my self-worth in God.
When I look at myself in my twenties, the girl that betrayed herself constantly for external validation, I realized that all I wanted to be was loved. And she, talking about my younger self, she didn't understand that it was already within her. One of my favorite quotes from The Wizard of Oz is, "You had the power all along," because she had her shoes all along. She just needs to click her heels and think of home, and she'd be home. She had the power all along. As I close this podcast today, here are some journal prompts for you, if you guys want to make the most out of this episode. Take 30 minutes to journal and think about this. What does your soul really want? And if you were to begin filling your own needs and validating yourself, what would that even look like?
Because I think a lot of people say, "Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm going to fill my own needs and validate myself." But perhaps they don't know that it looks like saying your affirmations every morning in the mirror. Perhaps they don't know that it might look like journaling your gratitude, journaling gratitude every morning. Or writing down things about yourself that you appreciate, that you like. Maybe it's talking things out with a friend, opening up to a friend and telling your friend that you trust that, hey, you're struggling with self-worth. Maybe it looks like that. Number two, what are you protecting yourself from? What are you hiding? What are you protecting yourself from, and what are you hiding? What are you afraid they, fill in the blank, I don't know who they is, do some examination, who is they? And what will they find out about you?
That you're not really smart? That you're not really that pretty? That you're not really rich, you're not really brilliant? What are they going to find out about you? What are you protecting yourself from? Yeah. And number three, what daily habits can you starts to implement to fill your cup? Because this isn't just going to happen. This shift from not needing external validation anymore, or less, isn't just going to happen overnight. It needs to be radical, active, and a daily pursuit. The question is, what daily habits can you start to implement to fill your own cup? What does that look like? For me, just to give you some ideas is, I love listening to podcasts. My friend actually, who was reaching out to me, was reaching out to me because she needed help. She knows how to fill in her own cup, actually, even in her question, it was a tool-based, it was useful. She said, "Do you have a book on self-worth and validation that you can recommend to me, that I can dive into?"
That already tells me that she's on the right track. She's proactive about it. What daily habits can you start to implement? What books can you dive into? What podcasts can you dive into? What relationships can you cultivate? Do you need to unfollow certain people that make you feel bad about yourself? What can you do on a daily basis to remind yourself that you are enough? You are more than enough. And the people who say that you're not, well, they're not your people, plain and simple.
I love you tribe. I love you, love you, love you. You are my hero. Yes, you listening to this. Listen, if this hit home for you in any way, if you're going to make any big changes because you listened to this podcast, I want you to text me about it and give me feedback. My phone number is (310) 388-4588. (310) 388-4588. I love chatting with you about podcast episodes that hit home for you, or you can just send me a DM on Instagram @realsheilabella. Okay, you guys, God bless. Have a fantastic day and I'll see you next time.
Hey, thanks so much for listening to today's episode of Pretty Rich Podcast. If you want to continue the conversation longer, check me out on Instagram, it's my favorite place to connect with you guys, @realsheilabella. I'm happy to answer any of your questions, or simply to chat and get to know you better. And if you end up doing something super awesome like screenshotting this episode and reposting on your stories, that would put the biggest smile on my face. Don't forget to tag me. I appreciate every share and love feedback from my listeners. Also, do you have my number? Do you have my number? Because if we're going to keep hanging out, you should probably have my number, so you can actually text me. That's right. You can text me at (310) 388-4588.
And if you're sick and tired of doing business alone, and you're interested in accelerating your success by hiring a business coach, or joining our mentorship program, called Pretty Rich Bosses. Go ahead and just apply. Why not? Check it out. Go to sheilabella.com/apply and we'll schedule a free strategy session, with either myself or one of my advisors. And of course, I got to include my kids, so here to send us off are Beau and Grey. Grey, say "Share with your friends.
Grey:
Share with friends.
Sheila Bella:
Please review my mommy on iTunes.
Grey:
Please review my mommy on iTunes.
Sheila Bella:
Thanks for listening.
Grey:
Thanks for listening.
Sheila Bella:
Hey Beau, can you tell everybody what our family motto is?
Beau:
I can do hard things.
Sheila Bella:
I can do hard things. Good job, buddy.
